[UserName]

Here it is, my latest creation enjoy

The Soulless

As I lay deep in the dark corner
Curled up in the ball of my despair
I begin to ponder the thoughts that reign supreme in my mind
I have become the faceless mannequin in the sea of the soulless
Crowded in by the numbers that have taken over
I look out and see the other soulless that have joined me in my misery
I am nothing amongst them
My hair, dark, much like the surroundings that I have been thrust in
All of the soulless cry out in the unison
I join their cry because I am one of them
All the rules have failed us
To follow them now seems pointless
Our pain becomes echoed by our memories
Of brighter existence
I travel through the others to a hole in the center of this bleak blackness
In that hole on the other side we see a life that we are merely spectators in
We cant join the happiness that we see because we have been ousted by it
It is merely false hope that life
But ah we long to be in that blissful ignorance that those out there have
We cant for we are the soulless
So I crawl back in the dark corner and cry
Silence
Because but no one hears me cry
No not in the bleak darkness of my mind and despair
No one hears me here
For I have become one of the soulless
With only a glimpse of the life and light out there

[Prak]

It's been said that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. I usually don't agree with that, but this time...


-silence-

[mrmonkeyman]

Your clich�d goth hogwash bores me. Just because you have a keyboard does not mean that you should subject us to the same "bleak darkness of mind and despair" that you "feel." I feel nothing but apathy towards this pointless, uninspired, self-pitying bunkum.

[FallenSilence]

Ignore them, I like it! It's emotional.

[Prak]

Simply being emotional doesn't make something good. If you like it, then fine. I'm not judging the theme at all anyway. It's the presentation I find lacking.

Also, to ignore one's critics is to stifle one's own artistic growth. UserName, I'm not going to shred your work in public view, but if you want my assessment on what went wrong, PM me and we can discuss it.

[UserName]

COUGH*


there is nothing wrong with it and it is not goth. i am merely expressing feelings that i have felt when i lost my cousin, stepfather, and miscarried plus two pets within a 3 month span. also a few more problems i was have been having and it all came to boil so hence instead of going insane, i chose to write a poem. i see it as my best work yet. i am sorry it does not appeal to you some people just do not get poetry or mozst things artist. each person will get something diffewrent out of it. so be happy be merry and if dont like it tough thats your problem not mine.

Have a day!


to those who do like it thank you. check out my other works listed on this site :D

Cheers!

[Prak]

*shrug*

Well, there's really nothing left to be said. I offered to point out your shortcomings to you and help you improve them, but you'd rather not acknowledge they exist. If that's your attitude toward constructive criticism, you're a failure as a writer.

You won't progress until you can overcome that flaw. However, when you do, people will certainly be there to help you.

[mrmonkeyman]

some people just do not get poetry or mozst things artist
Uh.
I "get" poetry, most likely more than you do, if this is a game of oneupmanship.

I hate to do this, but I'm going to.


As I lay deep in the dark corner
Curled up in the ball of my despair
Clich�. Unoriginal. About 4000 other poets have come before you who have talked about darkness, and sorrow. Why not try and use something more original than weak, predictable imagery?


I begin to ponder the thoughts that reign supreme in my mind
I have become the faceless mannequin in the sea of the soulless
Crowded in by the numbers that have taken over

This could have been good - a mannequin as a symbol of lifeless, plastic, dressed up, fake people. Oh, wait. No, that doesn't quite work in this poem, forget I said it. The sea of the soulless sounds like something out of Immortal, and when unacompanied by blast beats makes me cringe.


I look out and see the other soulless that have joined me in my misery
I am nothing amongst them
Ohh, so you feel unnoticed? Or is it that you realise that being a goth is, essentially, trying not to conform by conforming?


My hair, dark, much like the surroundings that I have been thrust in
Oh god. I'm waiting for something about the blackness of your soul, here. Again, why choose the most blatantly obvious things to talk about?


All of the soulless cry out in the unison
I join their cry because I am one of them
All the rules have failed us
To follow them now seems pointless
Psuedo rebellion! How quaint. There isn't a string of originality. Listen to Anthems of Rebellion by Arch Enemy - it's a relatively uninteresting album, but goddamn it sounds similar to this, with these supposed "rules" failing all of these maligned people. There are all sorts of things you could talk about when speaking about rules failing you, joining cliques that cry out in sorrow, etc.


Our pain becomes echoed by our memories
Of brighter existence
Caesura is not a roman emperor. It is not there to make you look more poetic. It is there to show a break in thought, or confusion. Generally breaking the rhythm.


I travel through the others to a hole in the center of this bleak blackness
Bleak blackness. BLEAK BLACKNESS. Save me, jebus. Please. Please, please, please, never use this sort of alliteration again. It makes me cry. Bleak Blackness is something I have heard before - everywhere - when describing black. This borders on plaguerism it's used so goddamn much. How you can say it's not goth is quite beyond me after using this line.


In that hole on the other side we see a life that we are merely spectators in
We cant join the happiness that we see because we have been ousted by it
Hgnh. Ousted by what. By being happy? Your ridiculous caesura confuses the reader. Maybe I "don't get it," but saying that "we can't" oh, sorry - "cant join the happiness that we see because we have been ousted by" suggests that somehow being happy has ousted you. What? Did you mean that life has ousted you from being happy? Or am I "not getting it."


It is merely false hope that life
But ah we long to be in that blissful ignorance that those out there have
We cant for we are the soulless
By ignoring the comma button, you make it sounds amateurish. By saying that you are somehow seeing more, and that anyone who doesn't feel "soulless" is blissfully ignorant, you sound pretentious.


So I crawl back in the dark corner and cry
Silence
Because but no one hears me cry

Hgnh. I'm holding back here, but if this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what it is. This isn't a release, this is an "oh look at me I'm so in pain :( :( :("


No not in the bleak darkness of my mind and despair
No one hears me here
For I have become one of the soulless
With only a glimpse of the life and light out there
So, you're saying you're so depressed that you can't see the light.

Unless there is some sort of underlying, ridiculously hidden subtextual quality to this poem that my ignorant mind cannot fathom, this poem is, as I said, classical goth poetry, without the band to go with it. I can only take this when the person writing it's first language isn't English.

By the sounds of it, you have no intention of listening to critique, thus, I set my tone in the sort of style that may irk you into changing, ever so slightly. Not that you will. Most likely, you also do not read other people's poetry. Otherwise you wouldn't go around claiming everybody is so gosh darn ignorant.

Take it away.

[KREAYSHAWN]

rofl.

[UserName]

LEAVE ME ALONE! just leave me alone. i hvae more important things going on than to put up with you mrmonkeyman.