[ducky-chan]

nothing

[mrmonkeyman]

The correct spelling is "warriors."

[ducky-chan]

Ok you didn't even reads it. -___-

[mrmonkeyman]

I did, actually.
You do too much describing in one sentence, meaning that the reader is exasperated by the end of each.

And when you do do that, you're not actually saying a great deal. In fact, you lack descriptive power - and a return key, it would seem - you appear to have a lot of the plot in your head, so everything is planned before it hits the paper.

Rather than letting it flow, so experience and description are lost as you hurry to get to the next point in the story you've marked.

Also note that an elipsis (ie, a pause annotated by dots) is three full stops, no more, no less.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever describe a scream as "AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH." I understand that you're writing this essentially as an anime synopsis, but that's still a good point to remember. Say "AH!" or "Uh!" and then describe the scream, not at any great length.

Also, why bring in FF? The Sephiroth thing, to me, seemed completely out of the blue. Why bother? The story could stand on its own without that, and is cheapened by its mention.

It's also got grammatical problems, but hey, you knew that.

For a 13 year old, however, you're not bad. You should, if you keep writing, develop a bit more narational skill, but until then, keep going.

[ducky-chan]

I knew it had lots of flaws, and I really didn't let it flow like you said. I have other stories though that I think are much better.